At the age of 60, a profound realization emerged: the phrases often used with my son were not original creations. They echoed words passed down from my mother, and before her, from my grandmother. Three generations of mothers had instructed their children to stop crying during emotional moments, resulting in a legacy where feelings were deemed unsafe. This cycle of emotional suppression had unknowingly become part of my parenting.
Despite spending decades as a healthcare attorney studying trauma, the connection between my mother’s pain and the lessons imparted to my son remained obscured until that moment. For mothers and grandmothers, the question arises: Is this a cycle I have also perpetuated?
Understanding inherited emotional patterns
Chances are, the answer is yes. Research indicates that a significant portion of attachment styles can be transferred from parent to child unless there is an intentional interruption. This is not indicative of being a bad person; rather, it reflects an inability to teach what has never been learned.
How children learn about emotions
From a young age, children absorb information about relationships, often before they can articulate their own feelings. They observe everything around them: How do their parents communicate? Is love conditional? Are emotions expressed freely? These lessons are ingrained in their minds by caregivers. Consequently, one may unknowingly pass on the same beliefs to children and grandchildren.
These behaviors are not flaws but rather survival mechanisms that families have relied upon. For instance, a grandmother’s silence kept her safe, while a mother’s avoidance of conflict was a strategy to maintain her marriage during challenging times.
Making a conscious choice to change
The critical question to consider is: Do you wish to continue this cycle? Your answer could alter the trajectory of three generations. At 60 or older, you possess insights that your parents may not have had. You’ve observed these patterns in action and felt how your mother’s anxieties have manifested in your own life. The permission to acknowledge that your upbringing was not flawless serves as a powerful tool for change.
Creating a new narrative
Consider the conversation with my son Kyle as he contemplated fatherhood. He expressed concern, saying, “What if I tell my child to stop crying, just like you did?” I recognized those words as echoes of my mother’s teachings. I responded, “When those words surface, you’ll likely feel tension in your shoulders—just as I did, and your grandmother did. But if you can recognize it, you have the power to choose a different response.”
When he asked how I knew this was possible, I recounted a recent moment when he almost echoed my words, “You’re being too sensitive.” However, he caught himself before finishing the sentence, realizing he was repeating a family pattern. “I heard Grandma’s voice through your voice through mine,” he said. “Three generations in one sentence.”
This acknowledgment demonstrates how patterns can be disrupted. The brain is capable of rewiring itself at any age, a concept known as neuroplasticity. Each time old behavior is recognized and a different approach is chosen, new neural pathways are forged. The patterns learned in childhood can be rewritten at any stage of life.
The importance of emotional repair
When actively working to change these patterns, you spare your children and grandchildren from enduring similar struggles. A grandchild who learns that emotions are safe will not have to navigate decades of therapy to reclaim their feelings. When familiar patterns arise, it is essential to address them promptly.
Despite spending decades as a healthcare attorney studying trauma, the connection between my mother’s pain and the lessons imparted to my son remained obscured until that moment. For mothers and grandmothers, the question arises: Is this a cycle I have also perpetuated?0
Practical steps for change
Despite spending decades as a healthcare attorney studying trauma, the connection between my mother’s pain and the lessons imparted to my son remained obscured until that moment. For mothers and grandmothers, the question arises: Is this a cycle I have also perpetuated?1
Despite spending decades as a healthcare attorney studying trauma, the connection between my mother’s pain and the lessons imparted to my son remained obscured until that moment. For mothers and grandmothers, the question arises: Is this a cycle I have also perpetuated?2
- Identify one pattern from your parents that you notice in your family.
- Discuss it with your adult children, expressing, “I used to dismiss your feelings, a lesson learned from my mother. I realize now that it was wrong, and I’m sorry.”
- When an old response surfaces, pause for a moment and make a different choice.
Despite spending decades as a healthcare attorney studying trauma, the connection between my mother’s pain and the lessons imparted to my son remained obscured until that moment. For mothers and grandmothers, the question arises: Is this a cycle I have also perpetuated?3
Despite spending decades as a healthcare attorney studying trauma, the connection between my mother’s pain and the lessons imparted to my son remained obscured until that moment. For mothers and grandmothers, the question arises: Is this a cycle I have also perpetuated?4
