The holiday of Thanksgiving often evokes images of large family gatherings filled with laughter and festive meals. However, for some, this time can bring a poignant reminder of those who are no longer present. The experience of Thanksgiving can transform significantly after the loss of a loved one, as it carries a mix of nostalgia and heartache.
Growing up, Thanksgiving celebrations were far from the grand affairs many envision. Following my parents’ divorce at a young age, I learned to navigate split family traditions. My Christmases were filled with warmth at my mother’s home, surrounded by relatives and laughter. In contrast, Thanksgiving was a quieter affair, spent solely with my father in his modest apartment near Washington, D.C. This simplicity held a charm of its own that I cherished deeply.
Creating cherished moments
In those small gatherings, my father and I would embark on a quest to find the tiniest turkey in the store, even if it still turned out to be too large. Our plans for making stuffing from scratch would often fizzle out, leading us to a convenient pre-packaged option instead. Our culinary adventures frequently included steamed brussels sprouts—our favorite vegetable—and an ongoing tradition of mismanaging the mashed potatoes. I still laugh remembering the year we mistakenly swapped butter for extra virgin olive oil.
Finding gratitude in simplicity
As we prepared our meal, we cooked in our socks, the radio providing a comforting background score. When it was time to eat, we would sit at the tiny dining table, exchanging smiles and unspoken appreciation. My father would express his gratitude for our shared moments and the good things in our lives, including my achievements. He would finish his informal prayer with, ‘Most of all, I’m thankful to have such a wonderful daughter,’ which always elicited a playful eye-roll from me.
As life unfolded, I married and had a daughter, Margot, and our Thanksgiving traditions slightly expanded. Yet, the essence of those early celebrations remained intact. My father continued to share his gratitude, and each year, his words became a comforting ritual. He often expressed disbelief at the joy we brought him.
Facing the void of loss
However, everything changed when my father was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer shortly before Thanksgiving. As I grappled with the reality of his illness, I still intended to visit. Unfortunately, he wasn’t feeling up to it and suggested we celebrate without him, even offering to order a meal for us. I felt a profound sense of grief that threatened to overwhelm me. I assured him we would manage just fine, but deep down, I struggled with the impending loss.
The week after Thanksgiving, my father entered hospice care. I visited him with Margot, who brought light into the room with her songs and stories. Seeing their bond—his gentle attention and her innocent joy—was both heartwarming and heartbreaking. It felt unjust that she would have limited time with him, a man who had always been a steadfast source of love and support. The moments we shared felt fleeting, and I wished for more time for her to create memories with him.
Carrying on traditions
My father passed away just a few months later, leaving behind a profound silence in our lives. The subsequent months were a rollercoaster of emotions—sometimes feeling normal, but often consumed by grief. The transition into fall was particularly challenging as I faced the anniversaries of significant moments surrounding his decline. Thanksgiving, once a day of joy, now felt like a bittersweet reminder of what I had lost.
Last month, I reached out to my father’s partner, Cindy, to discuss spending Thanksgiving together. I proposed that we keep things simple—perhaps even ordering pizza instead of preparing a traditional feast. In the haze of my sorrow, I wasn’t entirely sure what I was asking for, but she understood. This Thanksgiving, we will gather in Maryland, forging new memories while honoring the love we shared with my father.
As we sit down to our unconventional feast, I plan to tell Margot how grateful I am for her presence in my life, echoing the words her grandfather would have shared. Despite the changes, I know we will find a way to celebrate the spirit of Thanksgiving together, honoring our cherished memories.
