Last year, in 2025, I published a piece titled “I thought by 34, I’d be married with kids.” Instead, I found myself traveling solo through my 90th country. A follower sent me a direct message that read, “This man made a hate video about you.” The link led to a 25-minute video produced by a YouTube creator with a modest following. The clip dissected my lifestyle, body, and choices, all because of the article I had written. That unsettling experience opened my eyes to how quickly a disgruntled individual can weaponise online platforms to spread targeted hatred.
While that encounter was blatant, many incels operate behind a veil of normalcy. Knowing when you are dealing with someone who subscribes to the incel worldview requires an awareness of distinct linguistic and behavioral patterns. Two specialists—somatic sexologist Rachel Overvoll, a certified educator with AASECT, and pleasure educator Carly S., founder of Horny Stoner—outline the most reliable indicators.
What the term incel actually means
The abbreviation incel stands for “involuntarily celibate.” In its most basic form it describes a mostly male individual who feels unable to secure sexual or romantic relationships and redirects that frustration toward society, especially women. Overvoll explains, “It’s part of a much larger online ecosystem—the manosphere—where misogyny is often packaged as dating advice, self-improvement, or men reclaiming their masculinity.” This ecosystem nurtures a sense of collective grievance, often escalating from online chatter to extremist actions.
Why loneliness isn’t automatically an incel label
Carly S. reminds us that not every person who feels isolated is an incel. “Being lonely, struggling with dating, or not having sex doesn’t automatically make someone an incel,” she says. Many people experience these challenges without developing the deep-seated resentment that fuels misogynistic rhetoric. Distinguishing ordinary loneliness from the incel mindset is essential to avoid conflating universal human experiences with extremist ideology.
Red flags that reveal incel thinking
According to Carly S., one of the most telling clues lies in language. She notes, “One of the biggest warning signs that someone might be involved in incel culture is how they talk about women.” Overvoll adds that observers should also “pay attention to how someone talks about rejection and boundaries; do they interpret rejection as an injustice rather than another person’s right to make a choice?” The repeated use of terms such as “high value,” “chad,” “golddigger,” or “sexual gatekeeper” is a strong indicator of incel-aligned discourse.
How attitudes toward violence surface
Another decisive factor is the individual’s response to claims of harm against women. Overvoll asks: “Do they believe women when women say they were harmed by a man, or do they shift blame onto the woman?” Dismissing victim testimony in favor of victim-blaming rhetoric is a hallmark of the ideology.
Algorithmic pathways that normalize hatred
Often, the online feed subtly nudges users toward extremist positions. Overvoll describes a typical progression: content starts with seemingly harmless advice on confidence or relationships, then gradually frames women as the problem and suggests that men are entitled to control. She cautions that this “red pill pipeline” can desensitise viewers to misogyny and pave the way for more radical beliefs.
Real-world harms linked to incel ideology
When the belief that women owe men something becomes ingrained, the risk of intimate partner violence rises. Overvoll warns, “Entitlement breeds contempt. When someone stops seeing their partner as an equal human being with their own needs and agency, the risk of [intimate partner violence] increases.” Additionally, Carly S. highlights the danger of systematic gaslighting: “You could find yourself constantly having your feelings dismissed, being told you’re overreacting, or being made to feel guilty for having perfectly reasonable expectations.” Over time, such manipulation erodes self-confidence and can trap victims in abusive cycles.
Recognising these warning signs early—language cues, dismissive attitudes toward victimhood, and algorithm-driven content—offers a chance to intervene before resentment turns violent. As the experts stress, staying vigilant and questioning misogynistic narratives can protect both individuals and the broader community from the toxic ripple effects of incel ideology.
