Parenting is a lifelong journey, and while many aspects are well-documented in parenting literature, they often overlook a crucial phase: managing relationships with adult children. Parents may encounter unexpected challenges long after their children have reached adulthood. This article examines the complexities of this reality and introduces a necessary approach known as tough love.
When I received a call from my daughter, who was incarcerated, I was in my 60s. I had navigated the tumultuous years of her youth, from the terrible twos to the terrifying twenties. Despite my experience, I realized that the hardest decisions often arise unexpectedly, compelling parents to confront the reality that sometimes, stepping back can be more beneficial than stepping in.
The instinct to rescue
For years, I was trapped in what therapists refer to as enabling. I believed that by continuously rescuing my daughter from her troubles, I was being a loving mother. Each time she faced a setback—whether losing her job or her apartment—I was there to cushion her fall. I thought I was supporting her, but I was actually creating a barrier between her and the life she needed to navigate independently.
This constant state of worry drained me. I was anxious about her well-being, fearing a day might come when I could not fix her problems. The emotional toll was immense, leading to a situation where both of us struggled, and I found myself pouring from an empty cup.
The pivotal moment
When that phone call from jail came through, my instinct was to leap into action—calculating bail, preparing arguments for the judge, and planning the next steps to get her back on track. Yet, something shifted within me. Perhaps it was sheer exhaustion or a moment of clarity that struck me at an odd hour of the night. I realized that if I continued to rush in to help, I would perpetuate a cycle of crises.
In that moment of reflection, I understood that my version of love was, in fact, hindering her growth. With a heavy heart, I said the words that would change everything: “I love you, but I won’t be coming to help.” This marked the beginning of what I now refer to as The Pause Technique. This approach creates space between the crisis at hand and our immediate reactions, allowing both us and our children the opportunity to breathe and grow.
Redefining support
Practicing tough love during our later years can be particularly daunting. We are acutely aware that time is fleeting, and the fear of missing a crucial moment looms large. Questions arise: What if this is her last chance? What if something happens and I am not there to help?
However, the lesson I learned is that supporting our children does not always mean solving their problems. Sometimes, the most supportive action is to step back and allow them the space to learn from their struggles. After all, we have enough wisdom to understand that some lessons must be learned through hardship rather than comfort.
Embracing independence
Years have passed since that pivotal phone call, and today my daughter is thriving at 36, living independently and forging her own path with pride. As for me, well into my 60s, I am finally embracing life on my own terms. I engage in work, travel, and creative pursuits, and I have the energy to nourish friendships and personal interests. I am no longer waiting for the next emergency call.
Our relationship has fundamentally transformed. It is now built on trust and truth rather than a pattern of rescue. My daughter knows she is loved, but she also understands that I trust her ability to navigate her life. The breaking point that initiated this change was painful yet necessary for both of us to heal and grow stronger.
Empowering change
When I received a call from my daughter, who was incarcerated, I was in my 60s. I had navigated the tumultuous years of her youth, from the terrible twos to the terrifying twenties. Despite my experience, I realized that the hardest decisions often arise unexpectedly, compelling parents to confront the reality that sometimes, stepping back can be more beneficial than stepping in.0
