Parenting often presents unforeseen challenges, particularly as children transition into adulthood. Many parents believe they have navigated the complexities of child-rearing by their 60s. However, unexpected situations can arise, especially when adult children encounter distressing circumstances.
Receiving a phone call from my daughter while she was in county jail fundamentally altered my understanding of parenting. I had thought I was a supportive mother, yet I faced a situation for which no parenting manual could prepare me. This experience underscored the reality that sometimes, refraining from intervention is the most prudent course of action.
Understanding enabling behavior
For years, I inadvertently engaged in what therapists identify as enabling. I viewed my actions as expressions of unconditional love. Whenever my daughter faced setbacks, I rushed in to assist her, believing I was acting in her best interest. Whether she lost her apartment, job, or sense of direction, I was always there to catch her when she stumbled.
This approach, however, created a barrier that prevented her from learning essential life lessons. I not only depleted my emotional resources but also denied her the opportunity for personal growth. My constant worry for her well-being left me feeling anxious and exhausted.
The moment of clarity
Upon receiving that call from jail, my instinct was to calculate bail costs and strategize how to persuade a judge for her release. Yet, amid the chaos of my thoughts, I experienced an unexpected moment of clarity. Perhaps it was a mix of exhaustion and the realization that my efforts to rescue her were causing more harm than good.
In that moment of reflection, I envisioned a future filled with recurring crises and a deepening cycle of dependency. It became evident that my so-called love was hindering her growth and preventing me from fully living my own life.
Introducing the pause technique
I made a decision that felt both gut-wrenching and liberating: I told her, “I love you, but I cannot come to help you this time.” This marked the introduction of what I now refer to as the Pause Technique. This technique is not about harshness or punishment; rather, it involves creating necessary distance between their challenges and our immediate responses, allowing for personal growth for both parties involved.
Embracing tough love
Implementing tough love in later years is particularly challenging. The fleeting nature of time amplifies the fear of missing critical moments to support our children. However, I learned that being present does not equate to constantly solving their problems. Instead, it can mean stepping back and allowing them to confront their own challenges.
With the wisdom gained over the years, we understand that some lessons are best learned through struggle. Character is forged in adversity, not in the comforts of an untested life. Encouraging our children to face their difficulties can be one of the most loving actions we take.
A new beginning
Years have passed since that pivotal moment. My daughter is now thriving at 36, living independently and pursuing a fulfilling career. She has built a life grounded in her own efforts, learning and growing from her experiences. Meanwhile, I have reclaimed my life, traveling, writing, and engaging with friends, liberated from the anxiety of her crises.
Receiving a phone call from my daughter while she was in county jail fundamentally altered my understanding of parenting. I had thought I was a supportive mother, yet I faced a situation for which no parenting manual could prepare me. This experience underscored the reality that sometimes, refraining from intervention is the most prudent course of action.0
Receiving a phone call from my daughter while she was in county jail fundamentally altered my understanding of parenting. I had thought I was a supportive mother, yet I faced a situation for which no parenting manual could prepare me. This experience underscored the reality that sometimes, refraining from intervention is the most prudent course of action.1