At the age of 60, I came to a profound realization: the phrases I often used when communicating with my son were not my own creations but rather echoes of my mother’s voice, inherited from my grandmother. This cycle of silence and emotional suppression spanned three generations, with phrases like “stop crying” becoming automatic responses whenever emotions ran high. The unfortunate legacy was a lesson in which feelings were deemed unsafe, a message passed down through familial ties.
Despite spending four decades as a healthcare attorney specializing in trauma, I found myself blind to the transference of my mother’s struggles onto my son. It raises an important question for mothers and grandmothers alike: Have you unknowingly perpetuated this cycle?
Understanding the cycle of emotional patterns
Chances are, the answer is yes. Research indicates that many attachment styles are inherited from parent to child, unless someone takes the initiative to change that trajectory. This isn’t a matter of moral failing; rather, it reflects our inability to teach what we ourselves never learned.
From an early age, children absorb lessons about relationships before they are even capable of verbal communication. They observe everything: How do parents resolve conflicts? Is love conditional? Are emotions welcomed or dismissed? These formative experiences shape their understanding of emotional expression.
The impact of inherited behaviors
As adults, we may find ourselves unconsciously passing down the same responses to our children and grandchildren. These inherited patterns are not merely flaws; they are survival mechanisms that once served our families well. For instance, a grandmother’s silence may have shielded her from conflict, while a mother’s avoidance of disagreements may have been aimed at preserving her marriage amidst societal stigma.
The critical question arises: Do you wish these patterns to persist? Acknowledging this could significantly alter the course of three generations.
Gaining perspective and permission
Reaching your 60s provides a unique vantage point that your parents may never have had. You’ve witnessed these emotional patterns unfold over the years and felt the weight of your mother’s anxiety manifesting in your own life, as well as the repercussions of your father’s emotional reticence in your relationships.
Moreover, you possess the permission that previous generations lacked. You can declare, “My upbringing was not without imperfections,” and recognize, “I have inherited and passed down lessons that may not serve my children.” This self-awareness is not about assigning blame; it is a means of honoring your family’s struggles while ensuring that pain ceases with your generation.
Conscious choices for change
Consider Kyle, who is contemplating fatherhood. His initial concern? “What if I tell my child to stop crying, just as you did with me?” Instantly, I recognized the origin of those words, tracing back through the lineage of my mother’s teachings.
I reassured him, “You may feel those phrases bubbling up, and your body may tense as mine did, just as it did for Grandma. But the key is to notice it. Once you’re aware, you can make a different choice.”
His curiosity led him to ask, “How can you be so certain?” I shared an instance from the previous month when, as Maddy expressed her distress, he almost echoed my own instinctive phrase: “You’re being too sensitive.” However, he managed to catch himself before completing the thought.
“I heard Grandma’s voice through yours and then through mine,” he realized, acknowledging the generational echo in that one sentence. “But you recognized it—that’s how change begins.”
Rewiring our emotional responses
The human brain has an incredible capacity for change, known as neuroplasticity. This means that at any age, we can reshape our thought patterns. Each time you identify an inherited behavior and consciously choose to respond differently, you create new neural pathways. What you learned at the tender age of five can be rewritten at sixty-five.
By undertaking this transformative work, you spare your children and grandchildren from having to navigate the emotional turmoil that may have plagued you. When your grandchild learns that their feelings are valid and safe, they won’t have to endure decades of therapy to understand emotional expression.
Repairing and rebuilding connections
When you find yourself slipping into old patterns, take a moment to correct the course. For example, if you inadvertently say, “You’re being too sensitive,” pause, and acknowledge, “That response is inherited from my mother, and it doesn’t reflect the truth of your feelings. I apologize.”
Children need to see that making amends is possible. This simple act of apology can pave the way for reconnection, demonstrating that disconnection can lead to healing.
One grandmother took the initiative to ask her grandchildren, “I notice you seem upset. Would you prefer a hug or some space?” This was a monumental shift from her own upbringing, where emotions were often ignored. With just two sentences, she began dismantling a generational pattern. One day, her grandson may even pose the same question to his own stressed mother, perpetuating a new, healthier legacy.
Steps to break inherited emotional patterns
To initiate this process of change in your family, follow these steps:
- Identify an emotional pattern inherited from your parents that continues in your family.
- If possible, discuss this with your adult children. You might say, “I used to dismiss your feelings, a behavior I learned from my mother. I now understand that it was wrong, and I’m sorry.”
- Make a different choice at least once. When that familiar response arises, pause for three seconds and try a new approach.
These small disruptions can accumulate over time, breaking the cycle that has persisted through generations. The patterns that held sway over three generations do not have to bind the fourth. Progress may not be immediate or perfect, but it can create a nurturing environment for your children and grandchildren to thrive without bearing the weight of inherited pain.
Which emotional pattern are you committed to breaking? Your decision may well become the most meaningful gift you can offer the next generation.