At the age of 60, a significant revelation emerged: the comforting phrases I often used with my son were not originally mine. They echoed the words of my mother and, before her, my grandmother. This pattern of responses—particularly the directive to ‘stop crying’—illustrates a long-standing family legacy of suppressing emotions. It became evident that three generations had been taught that their feelings were invalid, a lesson passed down through the years.
Throughout a 40-year career as a healthcare attorney, I gained insights into trauma and its long-lasting effects. However, I failed to recognize that I was unconsciously transmitting my mother’s pain to my own child. Many mothers and grandmothers may wonder: could this be true for them as well?
Understanding the cycle of emotional inheritance
Chances are, the answer is affirmative. Research indicates that a significant portion of attachment styles and emotional responses are inherited unless a conscious effort is made to disrupt these patterns. This phenomenon reflects inherited behaviors rather than moral character.
Children observe and absorb the dynamics of relationships long before they can articulate their own feelings. They learn how parents argue, whether love is conditional, and if it is acceptable to express vulnerability. These early lessons shape their understanding of interpersonal connections, and before we realize it, we may be perpetuating the same responses we received.
Identifying and breaking the cycle
In my book From chains to wings, I discuss how these learned behaviors are survival mechanisms that served our ancestors. For instance, a grandmother’s silence may have been a protective measure during difficult times, while a mother’s avoidance of conflict could have been a strategy for maintaining family stability amidst societal pressures. The crucial question becomes: do you want these patterns to continue?
As someone who has reached a certain maturity, you possess insights that your parents may not have had. You have witnessed how these emotional patterns have unfolded over the decades, feeling the weight of your mother’s anxieties manifest in your own life and relationships. Moreover, you now have the freedom to acknowledge that your childhood experiences were not without their imperfections. You can admit, ‘I inherited ways of dealing with emotions that I wish to change.’
Creating a new narrative for future generations
This journey of transformation is not about assigning blame. Your parents acted in the best way they knew how, just as you have. Recognizing these patterns honors their struggles while ensuring that the cycle of pain ends with you.
Take Kyle, for example, who is contemplating fatherhood. His initial concern echoed my own upbringing when he remarked, ‘What if I tell my kid to stop crying, just like I heard you say?’ I understood that this phrase was inherited from my mother, who had received it from hers.
In response, I reassured him, ‘You may feel the urge to use those words, and your body might tense up just as mine did. However, by being aware of it, you can make a different choice.’ He expressed surprise, saying, ‘I caught myself almost saying something I learned from Grandma through you.’ This moment of realization marks the beginning of transformation.
Neuroplasticity: the science of change
The brain’s remarkable ability to rewire itself is known as neuroplasticity. This means that regardless of age, individuals can alter longstanding patterns of behavior. Each time you recognize an inherited response and opt for a different reaction, you forge new neural pathways. The patterns ingrained since childhood can be reshaped even in later years.
Throughout a 40-year career as a healthcare attorney, I gained insights into trauma and its long-lasting effects. However, I failed to recognize that I was unconsciously transmitting my mother’s pain to my own child. Many mothers and grandmothers may wonder: could this be true for them as well?0
Throughout a 40-year career as a healthcare attorney, I gained insights into trauma and its long-lasting effects. However, I failed to recognize that I was unconsciously transmitting my mother’s pain to my own child. Many mothers and grandmothers may wonder: could this be true for them as well?1
Steps to transform emotional legacies
Throughout a 40-year career as a healthcare attorney, I gained insights into trauma and its long-lasting effects. However, I failed to recognize that I was unconsciously transmitting my mother’s pain to my own child. Many mothers and grandmothers may wonder: could this be true for them as well?2
Throughout a 40-year career as a healthcare attorney, I gained insights into trauma and its long-lasting effects. However, I failed to recognize that I was unconsciously transmitting my mother’s pain to my own child. Many mothers and grandmothers may wonder: could this be true for them as well?3
Throughout a 40-year career as a healthcare attorney, I gained insights into trauma and its long-lasting effects. However, I failed to recognize that I was unconsciously transmitting my mother’s pain to my own child. Many mothers and grandmothers may wonder: could this be true for them as well?4
Throughout a 40-year career as a healthcare attorney, I gained insights into trauma and its long-lasting effects. However, I failed to recognize that I was unconsciously transmitting my mother’s pain to my own child. Many mothers and grandmothers may wonder: could this be true for them as well?5
Throughout a 40-year career as a healthcare attorney, I gained insights into trauma and its long-lasting effects. However, I failed to recognize that I was unconsciously transmitting my mother’s pain to my own child. Many mothers and grandmothers may wonder: could this be true for them as well?6