Over the past few years, I have found myself in the role of caregiver for both my husband and my brother during separate medical procedures. While the experiences were different, they both provided unique insights into the dynamics of caregiving in later life. This journey has made me reflect on the various roles we play as caregivers and how our relationships shape these experiences.
The first time I took on a significant caregiving role was about five years ago when my husband was diagnosed with a serious illness. That experience was a steep learning curve, navigating the complexities of the healthcare system and finding the best care for him. I shared my journey in a post on, titled The Initiation: Managing the First Serious Illness.
Background Events for Caregiving
The last decade has been a whirlwind of caregiving experiences, each one teaching me something new. Caring for my aging parents was a challenging time, filled with frustration and a lack of appreciation. Their refusal to plan for old age left me feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated. These memories came flooding back when I recently found myself waiting in hospital waiting rooms again.
Caring for my husband, however, was a different story. His gratitude and positive attitude made the experience much more bearable. He would plan fun meals around medical appointments and even created beautiful playlists for my lymphatic massages. His appreciation and positivity made all the difference.
When it came to caring for my brother, who is now a widower in a live apart together (LAT) relationship, the dynamics were different. We had to coordinate with his partner, who was also dealing with a new grandchild. Unfortunately, she had to leave town unexpectedly, leaving my brother without post-surgery support. This experience highlighted the importance of clear communication and planning.
Couples and Illness
Illness can significantly impact a couple’s dynamic, especially as they age. Physical decline, memory loss, and mobility issues can create mismatches in energy levels. Role changes also occur, with one partner often taking on the role of caregiver. The nature of the marital relationship plays a crucial role in how these changes are managed.
Dr. Susan Lehman, Director of John’s Hopkins Geriatric Psychiatric Clinic, offers some valuable advice for supportive spouses. She suggests being as informed as possible about the illness or procedure, accompanying the patient to appointments with a pre-made list of questions, and maintaining pleasant home routines where possible.
Unmarried Partners
Like my brother, 3-7% of seniors in the US and UK are in LAT relationships. According to Paula Span’s post on, these relationships are similar in quality to married couples. However, they often lack advanced directives, Healthcare Proxies, and Powers of Attorney. This can lead to friction with adult children and other family members during crisis situations.
Both partners in an LAT relationship need to clearly outline their commitment to caregiving and communicate their wishes to family members. Since there is no binding marriage contract, each partner has the autonomy to determine their level of involvement, which was likely a reason for choosing an LAT relationship in the first place.
Siblings
Until recently, I never considered the possibility of being my brother’s primary caregiver. However, recent events have changed my perspective. According to Deborah Gold, who created the Sibling Typology Scale in 1989, sibling relationships can be categorized into five types: intimate, congenial, loyal, apathetic, and hostile. My relationship with my brother has evolved from apathetic to loyal, characterized by support during crises but infrequent contact.
Despite our distant relationship, I feel a strong commitment to being the organizer for any future medical issues he may face. Sibling relationships are often the longest-lasting in a person’s life, providing a sense of continuity and security. This shared history can make caregiving responsibilities more compassionate, especially if the relationship has not been hostile.
The Poignancy of Caregiving
Caregiving in later life can be a poignant experience, especially when it involves siblings or long-term partners. The shared history and cultural background can create a sense of intimacy and closeness. For unmarried partners, the lack of a binding contract allows for more flexibility in caregiving roles, but clear communication is essential to avoid misunderstandings.
Married couples’ attitudes towards caregiving often reflect their long-term relationship dynamics. My parents’ experiences highlighted the challenges of caregiving within a strained relationship. In contrast, my husband’s illness has brought us closer together, understanding the unpredictability of the future and appreciating the time we have.
Have you stood by and taken care of a sibling, spouse, or partner as they underwent a medical procedure? How did you handle it? What have been your thoughts and ruminations about that episode?
