Dating can be tricky for anyone, but add a chronic illness into the mix, and things get even more complicated. Okay, but can we talk about my experiences navigating love while living with stage 4 bile duct cancer? 💖 It’s a journey filled with highs, lows, laughter, and a lot of self-reflection. So, let’s dive in!
The Initial Spark
Picture this: I’m in L.A., and I meet this charming guy named Todd at a lively day bar. We hit it off right away, sharing stories until the sun dipped below the horizon. Our chemistry was undeniable, and we agreed to meet for a dinner date the next day. It was one of those perfect afternoons—coffee in hand, conversations flowing, and dreams of travel filling our heads. After he mentioned a recent trip to Thailand, we exchanged Instagram handles. How exciting, right?
But as I returned home, those initial butterflies gave way to anxiety. What would he think of my Instagram? My feed was a mix of vibrant beach selfies and candid moments from my cancer journey. Would he be scared off by the reality of my life? Unsurprisingly, I never heard from Todd again. Have you ever had a similar experience? 😔
The Rollercoaster of Dating
Fast forward a few months, and I met Jake during one of my daily walks. He noticed my Dartmouth sweatshirt, and we struck up a playful conversation about our schools. He asked me out for dinner, and I felt that spark again. But then… crickets. I couldn’t help but wonder if my stage 4 cancer diagnosis played a role in their decisions. Was it too much for them to handle?
Unpopular opinion: I get their hesitation. The thought of dating someone with a severe illness can be daunting. But here I was, trying to navigate this emotional landscape while being true to myself. I didn’t want to hide my diagnosis, yet leading with it felt overwhelming. How do you casually mention, “Oh, just going through chemo,” during a first date? It’s a lot to unpack.
Facing the Reality
Then there was Sam, who I reconnected with on Hinge. We arranged a coffee date, and I was excited yet anxious. I told myself, “We can do hard things,” a mantra I often use during chemo sessions. But during our date, he casually admitted that he had looked me up online. My heart sank. “I think it’s actually really cool you have cancer.” Cool? Really? I felt more like a curiosity than a person. The whole vibe felt off, and I left feeling more like a spectacle than a potential partner.
Maybe my TikTok, where I share my cancer journey through vlogs, gives off a vibe that I’m handling it all with ease. But trust me, it’s my way of coping. Seeing messages from people saying my posts inspire them makes the struggle feel a bit more manageable. I’m not just sharing my life; I’m building a community. Who else thinks that’s pretty amazing? 🌈
Finding Hope and Love
While my friends are busy planning their futures—couples cooking classes, spa weekends, and wedding Pinterest boards—I’m here wondering if I’ll even be around in five years. But this isn’t a pity party; it’s a moment of realization. Cancer is not my entire identity; it’s just a part of my story. And despite a few disappointing dates, I refuse to give up on love. 💪
Living in New York City now, the dating scene remains a challenge. But I’m determined to keep putting myself out there, whether on social media or in real life. I cherish the little moments, from enjoying a sweet drink to spending quality time with friends. These tiny joys remind me that life, even amidst the chaos, is still beautiful. I might be more aware of it than ever, but I know it’s enough. 💫
