The question “What are we?” can be a pivotal moment in any relationship. It’s a time when you grapple with commitment, exclusivity, and the possibility of seeing other people. The answer can lead to two paths: a heart-to-heart conversation or a leap of faith based on intuition. But what if the person you’re seeing also wants to explore other connections? Would you consider accepting it?
Enter tolyamory a term that blends “tolerate” and “polyamory”. Coined by Dan Savage, it describes a dynamic where one or both partners in a supposedly monogamous relationship turn a blind eye to extramarital activities. It’s not about enthusiastically embracing non-monogamy, but rather tolerating it. This concept has ignited debates, particularly around the ethical implications and the thin line between tolyamory and traditional cheating.
Defining Tolyamory and Its Controversies
The term tolyamory was introduced by Dan Savage on his podcast Savage Lovecast. It refers to a relationship where one partner’s extramarital sexual activity is tolerated rather than actively approved. This has led to criticism, with some arguing that it equates polyamory with cheating, undermining years of activism to raise awareness about ethical non-monogamy.
Polyamory, a form of ethical non-monogamy, involves having multiple relationships with emotional and/or sexual involvement. It can take various forms, such as having a primary partner, being part of a “throuple” or “triad”, or having strong bonds with multiple people who may not be closely connected. The key aspect is consent and mutual agreement among all parties involved.
Tolyamory, however, introduces ambiguity. One party may prefer monogamy, leading to questions about whether it’s simply accepting or ignoring cheating under a new name. Many on Reddit have expressed this sentiment, with one comment selected by Vice stating, “It’s a stupid term. It’s simply cheating that didn’t shatter a relationship. We don’t need made-up words to refrain from judging the partner who chose to cheat.”
Generational Perspectives on Non-Monogamy
Attitudes towards non-monogamy vary significantly across generations. A 2026 survey conducted by Ashley Madison and YouGov in 10 countries found that 59% of Gen Z respondents aged 18 to 29 were in open relationships. Their reasons included seeking richer sexual experiences (65%), reducing pressures and expectations on a single person (42%), and believing it’s unrealistic for one person to meet all sexual needs (51%).
However, the perspective shifts when it comes to cheating. Data from the 2026 Italian Observatory on Infidelity, conducted by YouGov and promoted by the app Gleeden, revealed that 6 out of 10 Italians seek stable relationships. This figure rises to 64% among Gen Z. Additionally, 73% believe exclusive relationships are still possible, 49% consider monogamy a natural condition, and more than 80% believe in lifelong faithfulness (88% for Gen Z).
Navigating the Complexities of Tolyamory
The lack of clarity and potential imbalance in tolyamory can lead to complications. While some people accept non-monogamy due to reasons like asexuality or declining desire in long-term relationships, others may do so out of financial dependence, emotional reliance, family setup, or social stigma. Unlike polyamory, which involves intentional and consensual negotiation, tolyamory often lacks transparency and mutual agreement.
Psychologist Hal Shorey highlights the importance of addressing these topics early in a relationship. In an article for Psychology Today, Shorey notes that many people assume exclusivity without having a direct conversation. “When I ask a client whether they are in an exclusive relationship, it is not uncommon for them to answer yes, or that they ‘think so,’ adding how wonderful the other person is and how affectionate and involved they are,” Shorey explains. “But then I ask whether they have had a direct conversation and the answer is no.”
Shorey emphasizes the need for open dialogue to distinguish healthy relationships from unclear and potentially painful ones. “There are no right or wrong answers. There are only preferences and visions of the future,” he observes. “If you ask someone to date you exclusively and they say ‘No,’ you have not been betrayed. You may feel sad and disappointed, of course, but if you chose the right moment, you do not have to feel abandoned or heartbroken… and you also do not have to leave the situation with anger or contempt for the other person.”
